(My planned marriage to my boyfriend, with whom I was baptized, met strong opposition.
I struggled for a long time, unable to understand God’s will.)
This is something very personal, and I hesitated to write about it. However, I cannot avoid this part of my journey. God was not treating me as a spoiled child forever. When He judges something to be necessary for me, He sometimes allows severe trials. Now I can truly believe that God always does what is best and most perfect, at all times. But in those early days, I did not understand that. When I am in the midst of suffering, I do not have the capacity to give thanks for trials. Even if I cannot understand the meaning of suffering for many years, there will come a time when I finally do.
Until then, Jesus had answered all of my prayers. Yet the one prayer I wanted Him to answer more than anything else was not answered. It was then that I learned for the first time that God’s plan was different from my own. God truly hears our prayers. However, if a prayer does not align with His will, it will not be answered, no matter how many times we pray. Some people may have an enthusiastic faith for a time, but when they are placed in a trial, they begin to doubt even God’s existence, and if things do not go their way, they abandon their faith altogether. My faith was still shallow, and I nearly lost it during my first major trial. That I have been able to keep my faith until today is not because of my own strength, but entirely because of God’s mercy and love.
The man with whom I was baptized was in a long-distance relationship with me, and we fully intended to marry someday. He was thoughtful and considerate, the kind of person who noticed even the smallest needs. I respected him deeply as a person, and we were very compatible. People at church assumed we would get married, and I believed that myself without any doubt. I planned to work for about two more years and then become his wife. I was at the peak of happiness when suddenly an event occurred that felt as though I had been thrown into hell.
It happened at a Christmas Thanksgiving service. He was supposed to come on Sunday, but no matter how long I waited, he did not arrive. Since it was unimaginable that he would break a promise, I made a long-distance call for the first time. His home phone was paid for as a business expense, so I had never called him before. That was when I learned for the first time that our marriage was being opposed. The reason given was that I did not have a personality suited for business. I was still young and believed that as long as we loved each other, we could overcome anything. Without telling me, he had been trying to persuade his parents.
Although we encouraged each other and said we would do our best together, the phone calls gradually became less frequent, and eventually stopped altogether. Thinking it was better to give him space, I sent him cassette tapes of church messages and the weekly bulletin. I consulted the pastor, and he advised me to leave him alone. Nearly six months passed without seeing him, and I called the pastor again. He said, “Sister, stop sending the tapes. It’s like casting pearls before swine.” I could not believe that his feelings had changed, so I said, “Pastor, I will go see him and confirm his feelings myself.” He replied, “No answer is the answer. If he truly loved you, he would come running to see you.” The pastor warned me that I would only be hurt if I went, but I insisted and persuaded him to arrange a meeting with his parents.
This was the only time in my life that I went against my pastor’s guidance. His feelings had not changed. I seemed to have made a good impression on his parents as well. In particular, his father, who had been the most opposed, apparently said that I was modest and sweet, which made my boyfriend very happy. I told the pastor everything honestly and apologized. We encouraged each other and tried to move forward with hope.
However, less than a month later, he called me and said that when he told his father he was going to drive to Tokyo, his father stopped him. In the end, the conclusion was the same: I was not suited for business. In tears, he said, “If I were not the heir, but just an ordinary salaried worker, I could leave home and go to Tokyo. But when I think about the fifty employees of the company and their families, I can’t think only about our happiness.” I could not accept that way of thinking and said, “So does that mean we have to sacrifice ourselves for other people’s happiness?” He answered clearly, “Yes.” Rationally, I understood that a marriage that brought unhappiness to others would eventually make us unhappy as well. With hearts torn apart, we made the painful decision to part.
There was not a single night when I slept without tears. After that, I spoke harshly to Jesus, like a rebellious child. My daily prayers became complaints and murmurs. I said, “Why is this happening, even though we were baptized together? If this kind of suffering was waiting for me, I wish I had never been baptized.” Even though I had witnessed miracles, had my prayers answered, and knew how deeply I was loved, I still said such cruel things. How much Jesus, who loved me at the cost of His life, must have been hurt and grieved. Looking back now, my faith was truly immature.
Despite my rebellion, I never missed Sunday worship or Wednesday prayer meetings. I was clinging desperately. I was afraid of being completely alone. When I began to calm down a little, I prayed and asked Jesus, “What should I do?” Quietly, through the Bible, the Lord spoke to me: “Give up everything and come to Me.” In that moment, it felt as if I suddenly came to my senses. I knew that this was what the Lord was asking of me. When I stopped resisting, although there was still loneliness, a sense of peace returned to my heart. For several years after that, even when others confessed their feelings to me, I could not help comparing them to him and felt no interest.
No matter how strongly we believe something is “absolute,” we humans cannot even see one minute into the future. God sees far beyond that. He never does anything that will ultimately harm me. For the first time, I realized, “What God has bent and shaped cannot be straightened by human hands.” I keenly felt my own smallness and God’s greatness. It took time to fully recover, but like the tide slowly receding, my feelings for him gradually faded away. Even now, I sometimes think about how remarkable it was that I endured that time. Looking back after many years, I can say with certainty that God’s judgment was right.
にほんブログ村
にほんブログ村
多言語学習ランキング
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