(After changing jobs, I was blessed with the work itself, but for the first time I struggled with human relationships. In my suffering, God felt distant. Yet He had never abandoned me.)
From around the time I joined my second company, a series of severe trials began. Everything in my life seemed to be going wrong. I may never have felt such deep despair before. The Lord allowed me to be thrown into a storm in order to help me grow.
It was a painful time—caught between a struggle with myself, my faith in God, and the realities of the world. Until then, Jesus had always felt close to me, like someone right by my side. But now, it felt as if He had gone far away.
In truth, I had become a slave to my work and had begun living a worldly life. When my own desires and self-will grew too strong, the Holy Spirit became quiet and no longer worked openly within me. Instead of seeking God’s will, I began deciding everything on my own.
For the first time, I struggled with human relationships. Until then, I had lived in an environment where being loved by others felt natural. I had never experienced being disliked or ignored. I also came to realize for the first time that not everything I said would be received positively.
It was not a large company, but there was a small group, and people seemed to gather around one particular woman. I am not the type of person who flatters or tries to win favor, so I often felt out of place. I truly wanted to get along with everyone. However, there was one woman who deliberately provoked me. I felt uncomfortable, and I could not respect her as a person. I found myself unable to like her.
This caused me great distress, because I knew I was going against Jesus’ teaching: “Love your enemies.” I cried and prayed over and over again. “Jesus, I cannot love her, no matter how hard I try. Why can I not love like You do? Lord, please help me to love her.” There were times I even beat my chest as I prayed. Eventually, she moved far away with her family and left the company.
There were too many struggles to describe in detail, but in the midst of my weakness, Satan crept into my heart and tried to use my suffering to destroy me and separate me from Jesus.
One Christmas Eve, I went with a friend to a church attended by a Chinese Christian she knew. For Christians, it should have been the most joyful day. While everyone around me was shining with joy, I alone felt dark and heavy. I was overwhelmed by loneliness and despair, and I even wished I could die.
I wondered if Jesus had abandoned me.
But deep down, I knew why I had come to that place. I felt that Jesus had been guiding me to walk on the safe path to the right. Yet I had stubbornly chosen to walk to the left, not realizing it was a path leading to destruction.
Life became unbearable, and I offered what I thought would be my “final prayer” to Jesus.
“Jesus, thank You for loving me all this time. I’m sorry for being so selfish. I know that if I die, I will go to hell. But the pain is too much—I don’t think I can endure it any longer.”
As I prayed with tears, perhaps for the first time in a long while with true earnestness, I felt completely miserable and worthless.
Then suddenly, a thought came from above—like a word spoken directly into my heart:
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:11-12 NIV)
熱心で、うむことなく、霊に燃え、主に仕え、 望みをいだいて喜び、患難に耐え、常に祈りなさい。（ローマ人への手紙 12:11-12 口語訳）
In that instant, I knew that Jesus had reached out and caught me, just as I was about to step off the edge. He had not abandoned me.
I could not stop my tears. In that moment, my heart was completely changed. My despair and sorrow were transformed into joy and gratitude.
At the New Year’s Day service, we received a “gift verse” in a sealed envelope. I was astonished to find that it was exactly the same verse.
Through this, I came to understand what Jesus was asking of me. And I resolved never to grieve Him again.
------ to be continued -----
にほんブログ村
にほんブログ村
多言語学習ランキング
No comments:
Post a Comment